WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
