I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize