You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
