New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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