I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
