She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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