and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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