WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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