I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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