Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So many bounce houses so little time
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
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