I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
