ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
