My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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