i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
