8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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