I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
