dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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