Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
