Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Someone shit on the floor
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
