I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
