Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
