Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
