so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
