He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
