She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
