the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
All I want is dick and wine.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
