Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
