2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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