It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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