allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize