Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
