don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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