he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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