I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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