I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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