I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
