If i come over, it means nothing
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
