All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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