the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
