A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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