Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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