A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
