i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
