my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
