Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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