tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
