dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
