if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
