Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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