i always forget guys have bellybuttons
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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