i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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