she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
