I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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