Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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