i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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