Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just had sex on a roof
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
